Just Checking In

June 24, 2017.

Was it over already?

The fun? The friendship? Socialization?

I went out of the wall and got hurt real quick and now I ensconced myself back inside that wall again. Refusing to get out again.

Have I make a fucking mistake again? I’m figuratively burying my head in my hands in mixed exasperation and shame.

I can’t even bring it up. I can’t type the details or I’d go rambling like mad, and it’s nicer to just spit it out to let go of the steam or whatever.

I feel too tired and lazy to get out. Even if I just have to just fucking sit on the family car, a few hours of socialization, heck they’re just with family members but I still don’t wanna.

I’m spiraling down the well. I knew. I know. I will.

I’ve cut ties again. I see them and I feel sad or angry or envious.

I’m just wondering how long would it take for me to waste away.

I’m nearing thirty. Well, two and a half years, to be exact.

I’m giving up hope of finding like-minded friends.

I’m giving up trust that I’d find that “zing” with someone.

I’m giving up my old dreams and just trudge on my current path in my career.

I’m just letting them go, letting them flow. Let the torrent of tears wash away everything that so far has only given me pain, until it erode my heart. My heart eroded. My mind washed clean.

I long for the day I’m an empty shell. But fuck it you’ll never know because my persona is so well-fucking-built you’ll never know until you see my eyes and I don’t know if you can peep at something or anything there.

This fucking cycle doesn’t seem to end, does it? I do hope it wear me out eventually.

Can someone really die early with a grievous heartache?

Would I even qualify, this coward who cowers at a paper cut?

This is a drag.

I hope that tiny white furball we adopted grows so fast I could hug him for real after two weeks. This one had made me happy so far.


It Was But A Fleeting Moment

It was only a month but I couldn’t remember the feeling as if it was a memory from a very long time ago.

You see, I thought it would be just another evening, where I smile my politely pained smile and utter pleasant nothings at strangers I barely knew and then I would go home and just forget their faces, as I do not even bother to memorize their names.

A wallflower.

No, I would not be like that tonight.

I had a potion that would tear the walls and release the real me.

The night was sensual in its darkness and warmth. Voices sounded like lilting music. Breaths mingled. Laughter roared. The scent of alcohol wafted.

The night was intoxicating. The faces were blurry but the banters were crystal clear. Chinks of bottles for toasts and well wishers.

I was bare. And I was safe. But not for long.

You were the life of the party and the death of me. Your banters and laughter and antics nearly brought me in tears. Words exchanged were daggers in my chest. Your gestures caught me by surprise and it wounded me. My heart was trapped.

Such a wicked man you were. A daredevil with the heart of stone and eyes of flint. A bloodsucker. Prey of virgins and sluts alike. All hidden by a winning smile. Ah, those smiles overshadowed everything else. You see it, you get blinded.

A fucking tease, that was you.

I went back to my lair with a death sentence and I was euphoric about it. I saw cupcakes and rainbows and hope where none existed. My white dress were done, my vows were memorized, and and was ready to jump into the unknown. However it consumed me, this feeling that reached a hundred degrees. It took me away from my roles, from my ministrations, from my reality. I was trapped in an illusion of my own doing.

It took hundreds of owls sending secret notes, several bottles of sobering potions and antidotes, and the suggestive powers of three wizards to wake me up from that slumber.

From euphoric to miserable I went down the hill. The cold was harsh. I gnashed, shook my fists towards the heavens and utter innumerable curses towards no one in particular. For deep in my aching heart, it was, ultimately, my fault. I let my guard down.

And mine eyes laid upon a lone star up in the dark sky. All went black as a vision took over.

The night was sensual in its darkness and warmth. Voices sounded like lilting music. Breaths mingled. Laughter roared. The scent of alcohol wafted.

The night was intoxicating. The faces were blurry but the banters were crystal clear. Chinks of bottles for toasts and well wishers.

I was bare. And I was never safe. I saw the way he moved, the way he flitted from one place to another, the predatory glint in his eyes. The honeyed voice hiding a menacing tone. My heart skipped a little and then it went still.

I have loved and lost. But I’d revel in that loss. The loss made me see the world in a new wavelength. However, I couldn’t deny that, you were a promise, but was a disappointment as well.

I would be a wildflower.

I saw you in the market the next day, a lady hooked in your arms. We shared a look. But in that look I have already whispered your real name. In that brief second our eyes met I have already whispered truths and words that will someday bring you down.

If I have met you at an earlier time, I would have loved you even more. It was just so bittersweet. I could not handle it so I went to the pool of forgetfulness and bathed in its bliss.

A fleeting moment, that was you.

So today, in the company of people and wizards alike in the very same place, I have a vague memory of someone I met and lost. Perhaps he died, I thought. Again, just a fleeting memory.

I smiled a rueful smile.

It was but a fleeting moment.

  • CT. 04.22.17.

(Reposted)We Only Fall in Love with 3 People in Our Lifetime—Each One for a Specific Reason.

We Only Fall in Love with 3 People in Our Lifetime—Each One for a Specific Reason.

“Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.” ~ Unknown
It’s been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime.
Yet, it’s also believed that we need each of these loves for a different reason.
Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairy tales we read as children.
This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be.
Because in this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel.
It’s a love that looks right.
The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation.
We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before.
Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this story line, because it’s the emotional roller-coaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high.
With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should.
It’s the love that we wished was right.
And the third is the love we never see coming.
The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.
This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.
We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.
It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.
This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer.
It’s the love that just feels right.
Maybe we don’t all experience these loves in this lifetime, but perhaps that’s just because we aren’t ready to. Maybe the reality is we need to truly learn what love isn’t before we can grasp what it is.
Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years.
Perhaps it’s not about if we are ever ready for love, but if love is ready for us.
And then there may be those people who fall in love once and find it passionately lasts until their last breath. Those faded and worn pictures of our grandparents who seemed just as in love as they walked hand-in-hand at age 80 as they did in their wedding picture—the kind that leaves us wondering if we really know how to love at all.
Someone once told me they are the lucky ones, and perhaps they are.
But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones.
They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.
But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not.
Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now.
What it really comes down to is if we are limited by how we love, or instead love without limits. We can all choose to stay with our first love, the one that looks good and will make everyone else happy. We can choose to stay with our second under the belief that if we don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having—or we can make the choice to believe in the third love.
The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after.
And maybe there’s something special about our first love, and something heartbreakingly unique about our second…but there’s also just something pretty amazing about our third.
The one we never see coming. The one that actually lasts. The one that shows us why it never worked out before.
And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love.
“You found parts of me I didn’t know existed and in you I found a love I no longer believed was real.” ~ Unknown~

Minahala Kita – Julianne

Minahal Kita – Julianne (AKND) – lyrics

from the indie movie Ang Kwento Nating Dalawa

kung sakaling nakikinig

alam kong maari ding hindi

ngunit kelangan ko ‘tong sabihin

di ko na kayang ilihim



ito ngayo’y sumisigaw ako sa hangin


na sana di pa huli ang lahat

sana malaman mong minahal kita

sa abot ng aking makakaya


ako sana’y patawarin

di ko ginusto ito

makitang kang nalilito at dismayado sa akin

di ko sinasadyang talikuran ka’t saktan


di ko rin kayang masamain

kung mayroon ibang higit sa akin

di ipipilit ang sarili

kung hindi rin lang ako makakabuti sa’yo



ito ngayo’y sumisigaw ako sa hangin


na sana di pa huli ang lahat

sana malaman mong minahal kita sa abot ng aking



di inasahang

mauuwi sa ganito

kinailangan lumayo

para hilumin ang puso

nagtitiwala sa maykapal

na kung ikaw nga at ako

ibabalik ako sa’yo



ito ngayo’y sumisigaw ako sa hangin


na sana di pa huli ang lahat



ito ngayo’y sumisigaw ako sa hangin


na sana di pa huli ang lahat

sana malaman mong minahal kita sa abot ng aking



buong puso minahal kita sa abot ng aking makakaya




from this youtube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6R6l_6187U


Cheap Thrill: Global Village

Whoohoo! So my brother and I are avout to leave Dubai for good this November, and the Global Village just opened this fine, kinda – cool month. Would be great not to pass the opportunity to visit different countries in one place! First and last time I went was on my first year here and that was in 2013!!! Maybe things got better. 
Problem is that our eldest brother nor our flatmates would’t even consider coming along without an easy-breezy car ride. Good thing is there are dedicated public transport buses to the Village in the desert.

Special trip 103 bus starts at the Union Bus Station in Deira, and we took the second 104 bus trip (3:15pm) from Al Ghuibaba Bus Station. The trip is approximately 30 munutes.

We came at just after 4pm, the park’s opening but the crowd were already thick. The Taj Mahal-like entrance facade was equipped with ticket-reading scanners, greeters who loudly welcomed you at the Global Village and a spacious VIP entrance that offered Arabic tea.

We spent 4 hours visiting nearly every one of the 25 or so pavillions representing different countries! Each pavillion is meticulously designed and there is no shortage of wonderful souvenir, gift and food to buy. A small stage is also set up in a corner for country or culture-specific performances. 

Amenities like ATM locations, toilets and Prayer rooms were plentiful / sufficient and well-maintained. There are restaurants and a lane with food stalls aside from stalls scattered around, although the prices will put you off. 

There was also a space for amusement rides and games, not unlike the carnival or perya. There is also a short canal and boats/abra to take you sailing. 

There is also a big stage with seashell design where entertainers dance, sing, and perform various stuff for all.
On a personal level, these are the things that I can vividly remember about my second and final 😦  visit at the Global Village:

  • Indian guys toting  very large metal tea pot sized jugs (or actual tea pots) like it’s a bagpack and selling karak tea (chai or Indian milk tea).
  • The bus trip was more or less 30-40 minutes instead of the estimated 1 hr. travel time
  • Mini Burj Khalifa
  • Vividly colorful glass tea / coffee glasses
  • The outstanding pavillion designs esp. the Arabic and Asian ones.
  • The near-full moon looking much larger than usual.
  • An orange kitten bolting across our path
  • Canary yellow Zafran (saffron) ice cream with hot pink Rose Syrup for AED 10
  • Effin expensive Turkish Ice Cream that I declined to buy (AED20)
  • Insanely expensive drinks except chai / milk tea, tea or water.
  • Nearly life sized statue of Japanese woman in kimono
  • Anime-inspired keychains at AED 35 😥
  • Insanely priced 1 tola of Arabic perfume oil at AED500 (discounted to AED 250 but no thank you)

Total Spend:

2 500ml Bottled Water = AED 2

One-way bus trip x 4 = AED 40

2 Entrance Tickets = AED 30

Slush drink = AED 10

Saffron Ice cream with Rose Syrup = AED 10

Olive Oil Soft Black Exfoliating Soap for Moroccan Bath (Actually light brown) and exfoliating gloves = AED 50

Thailand Elephant Refrigerator Magnet = AED 10

1 Bottled Water (inside)= AED 2

Poutine with cheese = AED 20

Buko Pandan Juice = AED 10

Whoa, so per person, it’s AED 20 two-way bus trip, AED 15 entrance fee, at least AED 4 for bottled water, maybe minimum of AED 20 for food. A separate shopping fund can go as low as AED 5 (just 1 tiny keychain or super mini wood figurine) to infinity. Another fund will go for rides and games, like AED 12 for 1 game token, or AED 30 for a Ferris wheel ride.

All in all, this is a great shopping, walking, 

Red Moon Cycle

Does menstrual period that land on the full moon or the new moon to be in sync with nature?

You won’t find a lot of literature about women who cycle with the Red Moon. My guess is that’s because of what menstruating with the full moon represented in the past. According to Miranda Gray, this cycle was linked to the archetype of the seductress, the enchantress and the woman who knew how to wield healing power and magic. This was the kind of woman whose sexuality was applied to something ‘other than’ the formation of the next generation. She was considered by our patriarchal ancestors to be the ‘evil woman.’

In truth, the Red Moon cycle belonged to the medicine women, to the midwives, the magic-makers and the wisdom keepers of the community.  These women were not focusing their feminine energies to give birth to children. Rather their energy was used to empower other women and their communities. The first time I read Miranda’s book Red Moon this idea really resonated with me.  I saw myself as the healer-woman. The woman who dives deep into her depths to develop her self-awareness and then turns her energy out to help the world.  I remembered my Great-Grandmother who was a medicine woman and a midwife. And I had a profound aha-moment. That’s why all my Dad’s brothers and sisters called me dadi-magrowing up! They saw me as their grandmother in more ways than they realized. Now I see too, because the Red Moon cycle is also known as the ‘Wise woman’s cycle.’ When a woman ovulates with the full moon her body is following the White Moon cycle. Her body acts as a perfect mirror for the fertility of the earth since the earth herself is most fertile under the light of the full moon. We know this because of bio-dynamic farming practices, which show us that when seeds are planted by the full moon, harvests are most abundant. The White Moon cycle represents the fertile power of women and was considered the cycle of the ‘good mother.’ These women were the ones who were celebrated in patriarchal times under the full moon fires with ceremony and fertility rites.

“Your Body, Your Soul, Your Rituals…” Luxuriously Pampered with Rituals



RITUALS Cosmetics is the first brand in the world to combine home & body cosmetics. With its product line – from luxury body and facial creams through to precious mineral make-up, scented candles, pure tea and Soulwear – RITUALS Cosmetics inspires people to transform their daily routines into beautiful, meaningful moments. The idea to ‘Transform everyday routines into more meaningful moments’ lies at the heart of the RITUALS Cosmetics philosophy and forms the basis for each of its products.

Since learning that my next Glambox would have a product from Rituals, I Googled the brand and I was just attracted to their product lines of relaxing and peace-inducing self and home care products and I am itching to try them.

From my beauty box, I got a voucher to get a hand massage and nail coloring from their branch. So I finally managed to enter their expensive-looking boutique in Burjuman.

The people at Rituals Burjuman are wonderful and patient! The place alone is so Zen, with soft lighting, free tea and faint incense.

They generously lather my hands and arms with hand wash, cream, scrub and shower gel on their exquisitely designed water sink. They just smelled so good, and I liked the hand scrub’s gel consistency.

One of them even painted my nails a midnight blue (from their own nail polish collection AED 29 each) and applied precious minerals eye makeup on me (from AED 50).

Another gave me a cup of black tea with bergamot, their tea for the day. They have tea as part of their Ritual of Happy Buddha and Ritual of Hammam product lines.

So in the end, I ended up buying AED 130 worth of products (actually just 2) to get a free full sized shower foam gel (yah I can’t get enough of those shower products). So let’s start the ritual.

    Rituals Happy Buddha Shower Foam

    Start each day with a boost of happiness with our Happy Buddha Shower Foam; that combines the citrus scent of Sweet Orange and warmth of Cedar Wood. Simply squeeze a small amount of gel into your hand, massage it into your skin and watch it transform into a rich, creamy, moisturizing foam.

    The Rituals company should laud this product for its “Happy Buddha” name and shocking orange can caught my attention. When I finally got to try this, this one smells like happy energy on a spray bottle. The extra soft translucent gel quickly turns into a happy cloud of white foam, with an exuberant explosion of crisp, bright orange scent upon contact with my skin. I feel so ecstatic! Perfect for an awakening morning zing. I am really one happy Buddha with this.

    Sakura Sugar Body Scrub

    On the leftmost part is the Sakura Scrub, a sugar body scrub infused with ultra-moisturizing oils, rice milk and the scent of cherry blossoms.


    On the lid: “Your soul, your body, your Rituals…”


    This one is priced at a staggering AED110 but I really loved the scent and I guess with this, I do not need to buy a separate foot and hand scrubs.

    It was my first time to use this and I guess I used too much. I was very moisturized all over (and slippery as an eel, I bet). The scent is strong but I looooved it. Since body scrubbing is a once or twice a week ritual only, I believe this product will last me a long time, even a year or so.


    So, to complete the minimum purchase, I opted to get this antiperspirant from the Ritual of Tao | Qi Gong, now renamed as Dao. This line contains White Lily and Yi Yi Ren extracts. These ingredients have antibacterial, anti-inflammatory and calming properties.

    The antiperspirant does its intended job well, and the scent is pleasantly peaceful, reminded me of the combined scent of dainty flowers and leaves.

    Yogi Flow Foaming Shower Gel


    This is the free shower gel I got. Originally priced at AED45 and can lasts up to 50 showers, I chose the one smelling sensually of Indian Rose and Sweet Almond for future sensuous encounters (hihihi wink, wink) or just plain evenings.

    Rituals is actually a European brand (Norwegian, to be exact). No wonder the concept, the product lines, the names, everything was well-planned. The store was amazing, the product lines are wonderful, the designs befits the particular product line and the scents are almost universally pleasant. It was also fun to see tea cup in the Sakura line, Turkish blend tea bag in the Hammam line, bergamot tea in Happy Buddha, dishwash and hand wash in almost all lines, and other surprising stuff. 

     It is expensive, yes it does, but they’re like selling peace, happiness, relaxation and pampering that you’d happily spend a fortune. I’d love to splurge on this before I go home for good!