First draft on October 7, 2014, around 12:45pm
This is one of those moments when I was feeling the moments so deeply I couldn’t find the right words to express them. It’s as if it is a treasure so precious I couldn’t bear to part with it or share. How I wish I could put everything into writing, just to preserve even just a sliver of the euphoric sensations I’m having right now! And yet it’s just all emotions, emotions so varied and raw I couldn’t identify nor specify them.
Then they came: snippets of bitter memories, bits of sarcastically cheeky conversations, the warm flow of tears on my cheeks while the creek-side breeze cooled them, the constant bickering and the intense stare-down.
Everyone is saying: that is madness. And I nod and agree, for my head also is yelling “This is madness!”
Everyone, everything is pointing at me, accusing me of utter naivete and stupidity.
This is truly maddening.
I’ve even come to the point of shifting my attention elsewhere.
But deep in my subconscious there is a tiny, minuscule space where no Law or Rule or Condition exist, just a pure feeling of concern, devoid of any kind of nuance or malice. Maybe you are just truly like a sibling for me. You are right, absolutely right! Even other people thought we were related.
Okay, to tell the truth, and this will raise eyebrows (even mine): I still feel giddy whenever I realize that your sarcasm is the way you try to talk to me for longer than 30 seconds flat, or that your sharp questioning is how you show concern. That your distance is respecting my need for space and independence, and the way you tell me the sensitive truth only when I’m half-listening or drunk is your subtle ways of reaching out.
Okay, maybe I’m over-reading this. *Shrugs* Meh.
After all that good feels, I’m back to my somber reality of “No, I’ll never get into a relationship.” In a way this is how I cope with my irrational feelings. Besides, we are, as of now, just friends. Maybe?
To tell you the truth, I know I can be intuitive, but most of the time it’s just some lucky guesswork, my empathic abilities are crude and way-off the radar. With you, I’m just really confused, with your words, actions, lies, evasion. It is scary. I have this feeling that I should care for you, but your actions and words are turning me off, worse, making me defensive. And it’s like a swing for me: to and fro, forward or backward. Step forward or back off. Whenever I am beside you, I sometimes could experience your joy or agitation.
Then one time I looked up at you, and in your eyes I saw your real emotions.
And with your stares sometimes my proud vain self bowed down, partly because you were being fierce, and partly because there was also fear, which I’d respectfully not want to see or comment on.
Sometimes your eyes were gentle… they were meek and mild and it made me smile as well.
I looked into those eyes and then I knew you for real. And the sense of either storm or calm when we’re side by side. I knew by then that an unlikely angel has come to bring on changes in my life.