9:29 PM. I shared the last post I read from Thought Catalog.
Around 10:00 PM. Said good bye to the conscious world. It seemed so easier to fall asleep.
Around 3:00 AM. I woke up from a dream I could barely remember. Felt the familiar movement of my “snakes” as they were just fed with sweet soup last night. I hugged the pillow and shut my eyes again.
Around 3:30 AM. I couldn’t pretend. My snakes, I mean, intestines were keeping me from going back to dreamland. But I love my bed and my pillows and my blankets so much, I tried again. But I also have to block the negative thoughts from ruining my early morning. I didn’t succeed. I remembered how pathetic I am and I had to bury my eyes on the pillow again.
Around 3:50 AM. That was it. I had lost the battle to the snakes. I went straight to the dining room and shoved a loaf of bread on my mouth. I made my milk and then ate another loaf.
4:01 AM. Because I woke up ahead of my alarm clock (again, I did not bother turning my alarm clock on) and also to make myself productive, I asked Mom what would be cooked for breakfast. She just told me to cook rice and heat water for the coffee.
4:16 AM. Just finished checking FB, Twitter, and creating the draft of this blog. Shoved the remaining milk and bread down my throat and got down to kitchen business… Oh, did I mention, I had to wash some leftover dishes there? And wipe the dining table squeaky-clean?
4:52 AM. Done! “A Beautiful Mess” was playing on my cellphone by the kitchen sink. Yep. Beside the kitchen sink. That is why I always buy the cheaper phones from Sony. They’re durable. And I usually play music on the background whenever I do the boring house works. I made myself a cup of coffee. Mmmm… my fave.
4:56 AM. Adele’s “Someone Like You” I sipped the coffee for the first time. Not strong enough. I don’t really like the local coffee brands. They’re not as strong-flavored. I guess I had to add some Maxwell House instead.
5:00 AM. Maldita’s “Porque” in the house. “Bakit sa’yo pa nagkagusto, parang bula ika’y naglaho, porque contigo yo ya escuje, aura mi corazon ta supri”
Mother came out and told me to cook luncheon meat. Okay, back to work. I hope I won’t sustain nasty cooking oil burns. The last few on my right arm were still an unsightly chocolate brown against my golden skin.
5:15 AM. Frying pan on fire, meat slices on egg batter, me in front of the PC, “Beautiful Goodbye” on the background. I loved this song the moment I heard it on Monster RX 93.1… wait I could smell the burning oil. Time to put the meat.
5:33 AM. Second batch of meat slices, side B. Ooops. I winced in pain as my right hand did the egg-batting. Carpal Tunnel in the future? “Pasmado”? Oh no. I switched to left hand. No pain, worse egg-batting.
5:39 AM. Done with the luncheon meat and the scrambled egg. Breakfast was ready! But the eaters weren’t. I’d eat a little bit later.
I was musing about “Beautiful Goodbye” The moment I heard it on radio, I assigned this song to someone. It is a weird habit of mine. I designate a particular song to a person or an event, even if the lyrics are not suited for the event or the person. Maybe it is because the song’s rhythm or melody kind of represents what I feel or think about this person or event.
5:45 AM. I decided to listen to it via earphones. My earphones are a wreck. A bit dirty (Hey, it’s white!), the wires are visible through the miniature cracks on the rubber casing, and one of the earphones bore signs of being chewed on by some shaggy terrier (The damned dog is sleeping beside my seat. Shall I kick him? Joking!)
I love this song so much I could even hear the weak keyboards. Actually I liked the song so much I wish I could have the instrumental version, too.
6:02 AM. Just checked my Twitter homepage. Saw the Philippines’ trending topic: #tagalogsongnames. LOLed over some like:
Kalma Lang™ @AyyKalmaLang
NATATAE NA KO (I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore)
<I want to poo / defecate>
Matt Reyes @whatsthemattr
snatcher (the one that got away) #TagalogSongNames
#TagalogSongNames Maraming Pera (Best Thing I Never Had)
Hylenne Seblante @HylenneEina
“@ohmauu: “Ngipin mo (Black and Yellow) #TagalogSongNames” OMG I just can’t asdfghjlwertyoxvkxfd :(((((((”
#TagalogSongNames Sensya Na, Pangit Lang… (Born This Way)
<I’m sorry, just ugly>
Geraldine Reyes ▲ @GeJReyes
Bumuntis kay Andi. (I’ll Be.) #TagalogSongNames :))
<Name of the one who impregnated a young actress here in the Philippines>
7h★ Books Of Patama™ ★ @BooksOfPatama
#TagalogSongNames Na I-stroke. (The Man who can’t be Moved)
#TagalogSongNames Inutangan (Somebody That I Used To Know)
<The one who borrowed money from you>
6:09 AM. Beautiful Goodbye. Again. And again. Why did I assign this song to him? Maybe my intuition is already forewarning me? Hmm… maybe. Or maybe because I am reminded of his voice whenever I hear Adam Levine (I know they don’t have the same voice)? The most plausible would be that I just randomly associated the song (sans the lyrics and whatever meaning it has) with him. Easy to listen to, smooth, mellow. Just like his public persona, or his voice, or his favourite whiskey or rum.
6:46 AM. Dang it, I forgot to do the bed.
7:27 AM. I had breakfast with Mom instead. Then I’d go back to bed. But not before reading the Daily Prompt from WordPress. Yesterday I was supposed to create a letter for my 14 year-old self. Today I am suppose to write another, for myself 20 years from now (age 42). I’m doing neither. Or one of them. Or both. Actually it depends on my mood. Screw prompts, I’m going to sleep for a while. Thanks for the reminders, though ;p
7:43 AM. No, my snakes weren’t letting me sleep. Peristalis. Hmp. I did some blog editing. I love writing. Maybe I should have taken up AB Communication Arts or Literature instead of BS Psychology. But without the hard sciences and math, as well as the psychological concepts, I would not have developed analytical skills and some sort of an acceptable public persona. Yep, if you know me and you see me as weird or unusual, then you’ll be surprised: I suspected myself to have some characteristics akin to persons with autism. Well, these are subtle, though. The social awkwardness, disregard for socially accepted norms in relating with others, obsession with something (be it a whim, a favorite dessert, or a problem that needs to be solved), and the focus mode that mentally creates a barrier between me and the outside world. Maybe it even has a sign that says “DND”. And even if you call out for me, it will take me several seconds to come from somewhere deeper and open my ears.
8:05 AM. I went to the veranda and my tomcat, dirty from sunbathing on the dusty cement, wanted to cuddle. So I cuddled my cat, smelling of dust. He adored it. I loved his black-and-white fur coat. And the black patch on his chin that looked like a moustache. And the black patch on his head, like short hair, and of course, the black spot on his back. He was so affectionate. :3
8:31 AM. Just when I was about to sleep, Mom came in with a booklet on pregnancy. We talked about my sister’s checkup, about my kidney woes, Dad’s nightly “explorations” and my first ex-bf. She said it should be I who must bear a child, not the youngest. I replied that (in my head” yeah no one’s hitting on me anyway so it…”) was impossible for the moment. Then my other sister came and we chatted some more. When the preggy one peeked in, Mom and Other Sis went out to join her. Now, can’t go back to sleep.
9:31 AM. Just had a bath. I wish we had a tub, a jacuzzi AND a kid-friendly pool. I love water and the color blue. I wish I could sprout tail fins and be a mermaid. I would dive to see the coral reefs, explore subterranean trenches and visit ol’ Titanic.
Meanwhile, I was about to open my tangible journal. Last entry was May 2012. Seems redundant for me to keep a journal and a blog. But I can doodle and draw in a journal, though. I wish I would be able to buy myself a Samsung Galaxy Note II. The S-Pen won’t go to waste, I promise. The thing is, I had to prioritize upgrading our PC so my brother can do freelance graphic design and 3D rendering. Okay, my dream phone would have to take a backseat.
11:20 AM. We had been watching “Be Careful With My Heart” after we ate lunch and it was really such a heart-warming story. “Buti pa si Yaya Maya may love story, hahaha” By the way I had been on the elevator with Richard Yap a.k.a. Papa Chen and Sir Chief when I was still working in a broadcasting company. Talk about being lucky!
12:25 PM. Just had my talons finger painted posh pink. It’s my one and only Revlon, as I’m not someone who would purchase a nail enamel for P250+. I actually got it bundled with their auburn hair coloring. Yep I colored my hair myself. I would have loved to include the toenails but they’re in dire condition already. My feet looked like those of an old beggar already. 😦
1:03 PM. Father requested me to pull out his white hair. I obliged. This task was mine the moment I learned how to grasp a “chane” or hair plucker. The task was futile, though. He just had too many “uban” or white hair! I massaged his head instead. And popped out those blackheads from his forehead. Sorry, couldn’t help myself. Gross, hahaha! But I loved doing that for Papa. And I was reminded of my third boyfriend, “the one who got away.” Cuddling with him was not complete without me pointing out his blackheads and whiteheads. I even bought this pointy thingy and used it on his black-and-whiteheads whenever we got the chance. This was also my way to snatch kisses from him, hahahahaha…… hmm, so nostalgic. Oh well, past is past.
1:41 PM. Siesta. Almost everyone were in bed. Even the pets. So I followed suit. I couldn’t do anything with the cellphone as it was being charged. Also the PC as it was just recently shut down. No inclination to watch cable TV so, yep, I’d rather nap.
4:08 PM. I woke up. My mom and sister were gone to the doctor. I overcharged the cellphone and I was wondering what to do. Yeah, I wanted some snacks and get rid of my one-peso coins so I went out to the subdivision’s fave food place. Too great the sun was low; this vampire wouldn’t tolerate it.
It was quite a long walk to that small open garage where people flocked to buy burgers, empanada and finger food. It was jam-packed. I felt conscious of my bulging belly fats. And I was the oddity among them: cream-colored, chinky-eyed and wearing my dress purchased waaay back highschool days. It took while before I got my ordered food but hey, it was worth the wait! I got fishballs and quail eggs in sweet sauce, sour cream french fries and green gulaman (I like their gulaman, au naturelle) for thirty pesos! That’s less than a dollar for you, foreigners!
6:07 PM. Mom and sister came back. They just had some laboratory tests because the doctor was out. Mom proceeded to cook dinner. I was tasked to buy softdrinks. Mmmm. Wait, I was still “unattaching” my butt from the chair. I was the perennial errand runner of the family. Even if I had younger sisters. Why you no help me, eh?
7:19 PM. Still in front of the PC. Got impatient over the slow webpage download of Mangareader. Dang, I wanted to read Naruto and Bleach! Turned to surfing instead: Research on random stuff I want to learn about via Google and Wikipedia, liking and posting on FB, tweeting and retweeting on Twitter, searching and reading on Thought Catalog, checking out stuffs that I wish I could purchase like those phones on CMKCellphones and GSMArena. This is the sedentary life! Thank God for the PC, for the internet, for everything online. And also to this cat on my lap.
7:37 PM. Saw the pictures I took during the Ayala Triangle Garden lights and sounds performance last year. It was soooo magical! I watched it alone, though. Why do I always do things alone? Maybe because I couldn’t wait? Or that my preferences were a bit odd? Or that my companions would not tag along? So sad! Oh well, I couldn’t just force my choices on other peoples, no?
I wish I could have a willing partner whom I could drag into events and places like this. I have a list in mind: watch plays, attend concerts, go places, eat out in restaurants. All-day unlimited access to Ocean Park, Enchanted Kingdom, Star City and other amusement parks. Go gambling and watching The King and I in Resorts World. Splash in various beach spots like Boracay, Dakak, Puerto Galera, Zambales, Batangas and Caramoan (where they shot Survivor Philippines). Visit the museums and Intramuros. Window-shop in ALL Ayala Center Malls. Pig-out in MOA’s buffet spots (Buffet 101 and Vikings, for example). Eat at the original Dampa /Seaside in Roxas Boulevard, and also walk along Roxas Boulevard. Some of these I’d accomplished, many of them weren’t. Still waiting for the partner-in-crime. Don’t worry, it’s not mandatory to do ALL of these in a year; we can do them one-by-one, little-by-little.
(It is 8:00PM already)
God, I’m getting sentimental again. I’m still too young to be so anxious to be in a relationship. On the other hand, I want to start living life to the fullest, and I cannot do it if I don’t have one, just one person who’d accompany me. I have a few friends but we’re gone separate ways already. During one Tanduay Ice-induced state I even said to Him: “I’m asking for just a person, ONE person. Why can’t I have one person?”
The next day I was reprimanded by my confidante and mentor. Things will come your way eventually. You should just stay put and focus on other things, that was his message. Still, I was unhappy. People I liked, or even loved weren’t available to me:
– one who friend-zoned me (Bad Me: We’ll never be friends again.)
– one who chose my friend instead (Bad Me: WTH, was I supposed to be the bridge?!)
– one who admitted he saw me as an option (Bad Me: Your “priority” doesn’t like you, right?)
– one who is engaged (Bad Me: No wonder you started hiding whenever I was around.)
– one who is married (Good Me: Too bad, we’re compatible but still…)
– one who is married also (Bad Me: You flirted with me, you nearly let me on, you B.)
– one who’s hung up with somebody else (Good Me: Get over her. Please?)
Maybe my confidante was right: My supposedly life partner was dead already. Or in another cycle of reincarnation.
8:17 PM. My eyes were starting to hurt. My head also. Adele’s Someone Like You.
8:20 PM. Now playing: Magic by B.O.B. ft. Rivers Cuomo. This was the song I associated with my previous company’s summer outing. It was my first time to be in a white-sand beach. Ever. In. My. Life. And I was so addicted with the whole idea of “This is the beach!” that we swam at the pool until the caretaker pleaded with us to leave. That I woke up at 6AM and proceed to swim at the beach with the other early birds before breakfast at 8AM. That I spent the whole morning learning how to float in salt water, sustaining no major sunburn and perforating my eardrums. I was not so lucky with pool water, I was just so damn afraid to drown I couldn’t relax enough to float. Ahhh I miss that place in Batangas! I miss dipping in the pool, and wading through sea water.
8:50 PM. I.M. with a friend while I was on the rocking chair. The parol was emitting blinking lights that induced a mild headache. But it was gone.
9:17PM On my bed, hugging the pillow and signing out. Hello dreamland! I hope you bring me good dreams! Good night.