“Mendokkuse”

Day after day I am still wondering why I came here. Maybe I should have accepted the other offer. Maybe I should have been proud rather than practical. Or maybe I am just being pessimistic again. I notice every little stuff and I sum it into a whole unpleasant truth. But I’m still hoping for better outcomes.

What is happening?

I feel like they have chosen the other one. There go my experience and intelligence: down that drain. She had laid a network already; I’m still on my own. And days dragged by to mock me: you’re not welcome. Fine with me if they won’t include me. Fine with me if they leave me in the corner while they favor the other. But not in work. They give tasks to her, none to me. Prevents me from learning.

I have to proactively seek the opportunities ( fine with me) but they lay the same opportunities under her nose (totally not fine).

I wish we could start working already. The real work. I would like to learn, be challenged, get busy. So I do not have to feel ignored and useless.

What’s happening?

I feel like an option for the men I really like or love. Just a damn option. Do I look like an option? When can I be prioritized, chosen, sought after in return?

Don’t get me wrong. There are interested parties; it just that they are not exactly my type, or that I don’t feel even a feeble spark of attraction. Then there’s the “don’t shit where you eat” reminder. I’m now too limited! The thing is I really don’t have much of a social life! This is really limiting. Frustrating. But nothing can be done if very few have the balls to approach.

It’s bugging me.

What a drag.

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