I was never compatible with long hair. I found it hard to maintain, uncomfortable when the weather’s hot and I am commuting, and a tad boring and stereotypical (Hello, 3 out of 5 women I see in trains, jeeps, buses, everywhere sport THIS hairstyle, can’t even say it IS a hairstyle, it’s just long hair). Besides, having my hair cut in a distinctively different style, plus the blow-drying, hair washing, and/or scalp and head massage is my own inexpensive “me”-time.
But I kind of let it grow after my 21st birthday, while I tried hot oil, rebonding, cellophane, hair mask, hair coloring all in one year! All to know what makes long, sleek hair click to both men and women. And also to hopefully, attract someone… tee-hee.
I felt so girly! When I was stressed, I just have to stare at the mirror and a goddess looks back. I just had to let our cat play with it whenever I lie down in be or sofa and wants to de-stress. When I travel or commute I just have to flip my hair, put an extra bounce to my steps, and tuck some strands behind my ears and, voila! Men and women can’t resist not looking, or even just paying a second of their attention. I was loving it!
But then, its more specific purpose was not achieved.
It was already a year. No boyfriend, no M.U., not even a decent date, nada.
An my hair is betraying signs of deep damage. And it even became more conspicuous when I had it trimmed due to split ends.
And my heart is betraying signs of resignation and regret. And it even became more obvious when I instinctively felt that even as friends we are splitting apart.
Now, my hair is becoming wavy and the reddish color is fading as the new hair growth betrays its true dark colors.
My hope is wavering, and the happiness is going away as the realization sets in, that I cannot be the woman he needs.
I now look at my hair. It is a messy mop. My life has also been a mess, and I cannot deny, lie, or ignore it anymore. Not when commuters sees the weird array of straight hair with wavy stray strands, a pitch-black hair with reddish-brown tips.
I feel and think that the reason he just won’t commit is that he feels that I am not the one, and that he is just bidding his time, waiting that more constructive, definitive signs of romantic affection or love develop, before making any move. I’m trying my best to just enjoy my life, but I cannot seem to enjoy it without a man by my side (literally AND figuratively). I want to spend the rest of my young adulthood exploring new places, trying new things, going for new adventures, learning a new language and culture And isn’t unfair to wait for.. let’s say, nothing?
Then I just learned that his friend, a more compatible, more present friend of him kind of like him, too. I can be stubborn and just do my best not to have him realize it. Un/fortunately (<– the slash is intentional), I am a believer of “greater compatibility means better chances of relationship success” mantra, and I do not like to pluck a budding relationship with possibly more chances of surviving off its fragile stem. I cannot turn a blind eye to the fact that they chat more often and more comfortably, that they share common interests, and even their astrological signs agree. What a match made in heaven. And I’m witnessing it on Earth.
And I’m supposed to be the goddess here.
But it seems that such a woman exists to make his life better, happier. No need for divine intervention.
Reflecting on it, I can only welcome the blessings in my life if I let go of previous emotions and expectations. Just like I must sacrifice my long hair to improve it, make it healthier and more beautiful while making it comfortable to me to maintain it, and express my individuality with it.
You have been in my head for the past twelve months and I’d say the disadvantages far outweigh the benefits. And nothing has been done to make it any better or easier.
I’m letting you go. Soon.
PS. And probably, with my new hair, I might attract the one who can tolerate me and whom I can be my total self: masculine in personality, brash in words, impulsive in action, seemingly distant, unfazed, unreachable, but still a sucker for love and all its girliness.